For most of my life, I carried a sentence with me like a flag:

Relationships require hard work.

I grew up with this idea, and I took it seriously.

It accompanied every relationship I was involved in. Not just romantic relationships, but friendships, work relationships, family relationships.

I stayed when things were tough. I didn’t run away from crises or awkward moments. I had the difficult conversations. I apologised, asked for apologies, tried to understand, tried to repair.

I believed that if a relationship was meaningful, it was worth working for.

And there is something beautiful in that belief.

It brought depth and resilience to some of my relationships. Some of the relationships I held on to through difficult periods are still with me today, and will probably continue to be for many years to come.

But over time, I also began to see the other side of it.

Sometimes, I stayed because I believed I should stay.

Sometimes, I worked so hard at a relationship that I was trying to make it fit an idea of how a relationship should be, rather than listening to what was actually happening.

I had very clear ideas about how relationships should look and did my best to keep the relationships I maintained moulded in that way.

And while that brought depth to some relationships, it also kept me in relationships that were, to say the least, not good for me.

It brought friction, disappointment and heartache.

Because no relationship can stay the same forever. And no person can stay the same either.

We change. Circumstances change. Our needs change. Our understanding of ourselves and each other changes.

A relationship that once fit beautifully may no longer fit in the same way. And sometimes, the very thing we are trying so hard to preserve is something that needs to change.

The other extreme

These days, I often notice a very different pattern.

Relationships that remain on the surface. Not necessarily because there is no interest in or care for one another, but because the moment conflict or discomfort arises, the instinct is to shut down, withdraw or leave.

Perhaps it has something to do with how many connections we have through social media. Perhaps it is the ease with which we can block, unfriend or unfollow someone who rubs us the wrong way, or simply sees things differently.

Or perhaps it is part of something much bigger: how easy it has become to exit. A company. A country. A relationship.

There are probably many reasons.

I recently read an article by Beatriz Becerra that suggested something that stayed with me: when a relationship disappoints us, or a community makes us uncomfortable, we often leave rather than stay and work through what has happened.

She described the real chasm of our time not as loneliness or the absence of people, but as the fragility of what we build with them.

That resonated with me.

Because perhaps the answer isn’t to hold on at all costs.

But neither is it to leave whenever something becomes difficult.

Somewhere in between

This is where I find myself now.

I no longer see relationships as something that simply requires work. I see them as a practice.

A practice of listening.

Of staying present.

Of allowing space.

Of being willing to see something from another perspective.

Of sharing our difficulties and vulnerabilities, even when it feels awkward or painful.

Of allowing another person to change without immediately deciding that the relationship is therefore broken.

And also, of allowing ourselves to change.

Sometimes giving space, and sometimes taking it, is part of intimacy.

We don’t always need to resolve everything immediately. Sometimes we need to step back from the heat of our emotions, let things settle, digest what has happened and return with a little more perspective.

However, taking space doesn’t necessarily mean disappearing.

Distance doesn’t have to mean disconnection.

There can be space within intimacy.

And there can be disagreement without the relationship itself becoming the enemy.

Staying or going?

Of course, there are relationships we should leave.

Not every difficult relationship is asking us to try harder. Sometimes a relationship is no longer serving either person.

Sometimes it pulls us down rather than helping us grow.

But I think there is a difference between leaving because we have avoided the difficulty and leaving because, after facing it honestly, we recognise that it is time to let go.

That distinction matters to me.

Because perhaps the practice is not learning how to stay.

And perhaps it is not learning how to leave.

Perhaps it is learning how to listen well enough to know which one is needed.

With time and practice, we can fine-tune that listening.

Like tuning a radio until we find the right frequency.

We begin to notice the quieter signals.

What happens in our body when we are with someone.

What happens when we disagree.

Whether there is room to be ourselves.

Whether we can grow alongside each other.

Whether the difficulties between us are creating greater understanding, or slowly eroding something essential.

And sometimes, the answer will be to stay.

Sometimes it will be to create more space.

And sometimes, it will be to let go.

Whatever we choose, there is an opportunity to grow.

A different question

Today, I no longer ask myself only whether a relationship is “working”.

I’m becoming more interested in what the relationship is revealing.

About me.

About the other person.

About the ways we connect, protect ourselves, listen, resist, soften and change.

Because relationships are not static things that we successfully build and then maintain forever.

They are living.

They breathe.

They change as we change.

And perhaps that is why I now think of relationship as a practice.

Not a practice of making things work at all costs.

But a practice of intimacy, discernment and growth.

Intimacy with ourselves and with others.

Personal growth through relationship, and sometimes mutual growth because of it.

And perhaps the question is not:

How do I make this relationship work?

But:

What is this relationship asking me to learn?

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